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Friday, January 28, 2005

Career Opportunities (the one that never knocked)

I just applied to become the Sports Guy's Intern at ESPN.com. It took some doing for me to bring myself to apply for a job in sports. I mean, I like sports, but I'm an Antioch student. Do we do that? We do now!

The main reason I did this is that I have nothing to lose. I bet he gets thousands of applicants. He's gonna pick 10 and run a contest. The only thing that gives any chance at victory is a <400 word essay.

The job is finding amusing links and being an amusing person.

The job is WANDERING AROUND THE INTERNET and BEING A CLEVER FUCKER! Is there a better job for me? Only if it involves video games. And changing the world for the better.

I also think I will do well. Sure, he's gonna get thousands of applicants. But consider the pool. 21-25 year-olds who read ESPN.com. How many of them can out-cleverfucker me? I'm DJ Smarmy Bastard, for god's sake! If I make the last 10, I'll be happy. It's proof that I'm a good writer.

Here's the essay I submitted under "In 400 words or less, explain why you should be the new Sports Guy Intern:"


Because Latrell Sprewell has pigtails.

I’ve been unwillingly out of sports for the last few years, due to the nature of my college, which prevented me from television access. Now, however, I’m back in the sports groove, and was delighted to see a game on ESPN a few weeks ago and discover that Spree has pigtails. This is a man who once CHOKED HIS OWN COACH, and now he’s sporting a hairstyle long considered feminine. This makes me happy. More importantly, it makes me love sports.

I believe that I have a good relationship with sports. I enjoy the athleticism and the drama, to be sure, but most of all, I enjoy the absurdity. I enjoy that I just watched a tennis match which included a commentator speaking the word “clumsiosity.” I love the fact that Major League Soccer’s Chicago Fire, in roughly a four year span, played in the Western, Central, and Eastern divisions (The city of Chicago, by the way, has not moved, I’ve lived there twice recently). And then there’s the pigtails. I’ve seen three players with pigtails now. I can only hope that it becomes the biggest fashion trend to hit the NBA since baggy shorts. The reason I enjoy the Sports Guy is that he obviously appreciates the finer aspects of sports – the comedy.

On the other hand, my relationship with sports stays healthy because I understand that sports are man-made drama. They’re artificially created and marketed in order to keep people from realizing the sheer soul-crushing pain of modern existence (and how!). But, a process is required to transfer the drama from the field to the fan. That process is hardly perfect, and that’s why a talented smartass like myself has tremendous upside.


I’m certainly qualified for the job. I have three skills: writing well, being a clever bastard, and surfing the web. My god, can I surf the web – I’ve had two internships already where I’ve had nothing to do but surf the web. That and make copies. Ever had a copier turn on when you walked near it? Intern heaven! So when you get down to it, the ideal job for me is to write clever things on the Internet while telling people about other clever or absurd things. Especially when they involve large men wearing pigtails.


That's 385 words.
- Rowan Kaiser, 3:56 AM
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