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Tuesday, November 23, 2004

Muggery and Buggery, or, "Rectum? Damn near killed 'im!"

A few nights ago, I probably almost got mugged. I was making a late-night trip to Dunkin' Donuts, with a friend who needed coffee. As we were walking back down a fairly busy street, two guys walking past us started telling me I'd dropped something and attempting to get me to turn the corner down a less busy street. I checked my pockets, noticed I had dropped nothing, and walked away. I think they were trying to mug me. After all, they were possibly foreign.*

Meanwhile, this same friend acquired a book from Barnes and Noble that I borrowed. And it has changed my life. The book is called Caligula: Divine Carnage: Atrocities of the Roman Emperors. My friend picked it up because, in large print on the back, it also claims to have "ORGY OF DEATH" and "GLADIATOR KILL."

Sadly, it's probably not terribly historical, but it has the form of history, and that makes it fun. It also contains passages like the one which I am about to quote:

"Caligula spent the first months of his reign almost entirely in incestuous copulation with his sister Drusilla. Now that nobody could tell him what to do, he was avid to flaunt his attachment to Drusilla to the maximum degree in public, and a special, miniature amphitheater was erected where the plebian scum could, for a small fee, sit and watch the emperor bugger his sister on a stage of solid gold. Drusilla was an active participant in these spectacles, matching her older brother in deviance, and Caligula made it clear that, on the rare occasions when they resorted to vaginal sex, he intended that they would produce a male child, born of rampant incest, who would become the legitimate heir to the empire. But on most occasions, the crowd would roar with uncontainable ecstasy as Caligula rammed his foot-long rod of imperial mortadella into Drusilla's initially resistant, then deeply welcoming anus; simultaneously, Caligula's favorite gladiator, Superbus, from the mountains of easter Tingitana, would brandish his rigid packet of fourteen-inch merguez*** between both fists and then force it into the emperor's excruciatingly pulsating rectum...."

As I am from the philosophical school that finds the phrase "in the butt" excessively funny, this book pleased me to no end, as you may be able to tell by the new blog catch-phrase. Stay tuned for Drusilla's amazing, tragic death, as well as Superbus' equally amazing, victorious death!

* j/k!
** pork sausage
*** "...a spicy small sausage"

- Rowan Kaiser, 6:59 PM
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