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Friday, October 29, 2004

The Deed Is Done

So I voted for the douchebag today on my absentee ballot. Then I took out my rage on some poor Democratic candidate for State Senator, whose resume was basically a list of how connected he was to the military-industrial complex. Unfortunately, I did it by voting for his Republican opponent, which I quickly realized was stupid. Since I had an absentee ballot, however, I was stuck with the decision. Whoops.

This poor candidate only got in this mess because one of his pamphlets was included in the pile of voting material I received. Had his opponent sent me anything on his political views, I'd have probably disliked him more. The more you know, the more you hate, I guess.

There was some other great stuff in the pile of voting stuff I received. For example, the Democratic Party sent a flier saying "STOP THE ONE-PARTY SYSTEM" or some such. Their resolution to this was to vote, uh, a straight Democratic ticket. Hello? Is anyone home?

Then there was the Lesbian Representative Candidate, who I was happy to vote for, though it was entirely clear if she was a lesbian or not. She just went by Ms. and said she was joined in a civil ceremony and not a marriage. Plus she was running against one of those Old Fat Rich White Republicans so I decided to make her totally not that in my mind. Lesbian it is. ANYway, she sent a little card with two halves on each side, so there were four little boxes of information. Three were about her. The fourth was a schedule for the Ohio State football team. It went like this:

October 30: at Michigan
November 2: VOTE FOR ME!
November 7: Purdue

I mean, the Buckeyes are popular in Ohio, but did she really need to attach a schedule? It was as dumb as picking up a shotgun, dressing in camoflague and a stupid hat and posing for a photo op to win Ohio's gun vote.....

Also amusing was how Ralph Nader was whitewashed. Almost literally. Over his place in the ballot was a white sticker, through which you could quite clearly see his name. It was almost symbolic of his role in American politics. No, wait, it was literally symbolic.

Yeah, I said "literally symbolic." Bring it.
- Rowan Kaiser, 4:23 PM
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