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Wednesday, July 28, 2004

Jesus
 
If you ever go to Florence, I have a few drinking games for you to play. Since the main point of the city is the artwork, and the main gallery is the Uffizi, all these games are designed for Uffizi play. Ready?

Hammered in a Hurry
 
Take a drink every time you see a Madonna with Child (Madonna con Bambino) painting. These paintings are fairly easy to spot. There's Mary, looking serene, with a baby in her lap. There might be angels or saints gazing at them happily. There might not. Take two drinks should you find a painting of this with the Christ child not in Mary's lap.

(note that the first painting might be the most important painting ever)
(note that the second painting is a Michelangelo, and you can tell he's a sculptor)

Damn That's An Ugly Savior!
 
It took about 300 years of Renaissance painting for the painters to decide to paint baby Jesus as, well, a baby. Many of the rest were paintings of a a child's body with an adult's head. The adult is usually a middle-aged male. A fat, balding, and ugly middle-aged male. Ouch. Every time you see an ugly baby Jesus, take 1-3 drinks on a scale of ugliness.

(yes, these paintings are famous for being good)
 
WHO'S My Baby Daddy?
 
After the Madonna con Bambino, one of the favorite genres of the Renaissance painter is the Annunciation. This scene is basically an angel coming to Mary, and he's all like "Dude, you're totally pregnant with our Lord God's kid, and he's totally gonna, like, rule." And Mary's all like....well, that depends on the painting. Sometime's Mary's all like "Whoa, dude, no fucking way!" And sometimes Mary is all like "Dude, that's cool." And sometimes the angel is so excited he's literally spitting the words at Mary.

Take a drink every time you see an annunciation, and two drinks every time it's slightly different. For example, sometimes the angel is on the right, sometimes it's taller than Mary.

Ewww, He Just Spit Up on My Myrrh
 
The last favorite genre of the Renaissance painter was the Adoration of the Magi. Like this. Or this. Or my personal favorite, the only painting with a non-white Magi! Albrecht Durer, you get diversity cred!

This one's kind of like a screwdriver. It's not terribly exciting, but it'll get you good and drunk. Just take a drink for every one you see.

You WHAT for your faith?
 
There are a few vaguely non-Jesus related paintings. Some of my favorites were the martyrdoms. This one, in particular, was my favorite in the Uffizi. It might be difficult to tell from the picture, but the saint, Florian, I believe, is sitting there looking like "Guys, I'm not really sure I want to be doing this..." while the well-dressed people are sitting next to him like "Nah, you can do it, don't worry about the huge weight you're chained to! It'll be easy!" There's also Saint Sebastian the Hunk. And if you journey across the river in Florence over to the Pitti Palace, there's a couple of wonderful paintings of Saint Agate. I know people who pay good money to go to clubs like this one.

In case you're skipping the links to the pictures, I urge you, for the love of everything painful, to click on that link, if you click on no others. Yeeeeeesh.

You find the martyrs, you come up with the game.

Suicide

Take one drink for every Madonna with Child, Annunciation, or Adoration of the Magi that you see. It's that easy. If you want to die of alcohol poisoning (or if you have a liver like Cyn and Phil)
- Rowan Kaiser, 1:19 PM
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