A friend of mine and I were discussing Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas the other day. I mentioned the immortal line "You can't stop here! It's bat country!" and he said "You know, no one ever quotes any lines that weren't from the first five minutes of that movie." I responded with the one about the dope fiend's pants being covered with semen from jacking off whenever he can't find a rape victim, but that's more funny than quoted. I just remembered one that I do quote: "The possibility of physical and mental collapse....is now very real."
I don't feel that close to collapse. But I do feel that possibility. I've mentioned Antioch's political problems several times. Even if I'm not directly involved (I skipped the meeting tonight on direct action, and focused on my homework instead of writing op/eds for the paper) many people I know are. There is also an aura of tension added on top of the general level of self-loathing the campus always has. Speaking of tension, most of the people I know are working on their senior projects. These monstrosities of 50 page research papers or equivalent, for a single four-credit class, as the capstone of all our work, are stressy stresserton. It's about that time where people are getting that "I'm not gonna finish. It's not gonna happen." I've taken to answering questions about how I'm doing on mine with either laughter or a "What senior project?" It's not just the senior project. I have to find a job for summer, apply for the program I'm doing in the fall, write the papers for the two co-ops I did last year, and keep working on my two non-senior-project classes. Then there's the social life. It's something I have to maintain for sanity's sake, but on the other hand, how often can I stay up til 7AM playing poker and discussing politics? Sure, it's fun to be in a fake sorority and pretend to be someone's boyfriend, but it may be too much of a distraction.
Antioch and I have done these sorts of things before. I tend to do just good enough. It throws a pile of work at me, and I duck some, fight others, and grab the rest and run with it. There's no way I can do it, but I manage to do it anyway, and maintain my sanity. I'm not sure I can pull that trick this time. This project is too much for that strategy. I just don't know if I have any other strategies. The main thing keeping me going may be looking forward to the sense of relief I'll have at its finish.