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Wednesday, July 23, 2003

You left your beret behind, and your croissant is getting cold

Last night was fun. Actually, no. It was quite the opposite.

Upon returning home from work, I realized that I had no plans and was bored/lonely/unhappy (the three terms describe a what's pretty much the same emotion in my body). Essentially, I had cabin fever, and, I realized, no good way to get around it. I called one person who I felt might hang out. Left a message, no reply. So I took a walk. Ended up buying CDs. Some people have noticed that when I go out, I end up buying CDs fairly regularly. It's not as bad as it seems. In this case, the original impulse was to get books. Which I did. Like a good Antiochian, I got my Stephen Jay Gould on. But the whole time, I felt disgusted about trying to buy my way out of loneliness with Things. I really didn't want to. But I really couldn't think of anything else to do.

I then got home and called my ex-girlfriend. No thoughts about it. Which is strange. I tend to dislike phones. If I call someone without specifically being invited to, I tend to agonize over it. I dislike imposing, and a phone call is nothing but imposing. So, with the call I mentioned above, I spent 15 minutes trying to decide if I should call or not. But with this call, it was put-my-bag-down-pick-up-the-phone.

Me: "So I bought a Dead Kennedys album."
Her: "You BOUGHT an album?"
Me: "I don't have a computer! What else can I do?"
Her: "Don't you have friends to make CDs for you?"
Me: "No! I don't!"
Her: "Well, go make some."
Me: "I don't know how!"

The phone call managed to remind me of everything that drove me crazy about this girl. Good and bad. The ease of conversation and sense of humour being top top top of the driving crazy good list. When she told me that she was uncomfortable with me using the word "dyke" because of my straight white maleness, it reminded me of the crazy bad. So, once the call ended, I had to think about why we broke up, and whether I fucked up something great, or got out of something doomed. I hate second-guessing myself.

I think I'll get a new comment system, by the way.

- Rowan Kaiser, 11:20 AM
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